RPAcademy: Mia and Valkern

Mia Siserae · **Tips:** 0.00 INK by **Mia Siserae** on Wed Aug 13, 2008 11:54 pm

Tutorial Note: You spelled my character's name wrong again lol It's "M-I-A" Aside from that though, your sentences are starting to become long again and lacking commas to separate ideas. I also understand with character interaction it's hard to get a decent amount of content in a post. To put more into a post while interacting with other characters, you can always go into your character's background information or even describe what your character looks like in detail. Lets try a different scenario. I'll let you start this time.

Scenario
Setting: Busy Bar
Focus: Character interaction in a specific setting. Try to get into the description of the things encompassing your character. Maybe try to go into some background information on your character as well. Good luck!

valkern · **Tips:** 0.00 INK by **valkern** on Thu Aug 14, 2008 4:03 am

(Encompassin what that mean and example of charcter interaction in a specfif setting like drinking )

Mia Siserae · **Tips:** 0.00 INK by **Mia Siserae** on Thu Aug 14, 2008 2:02 pm

Encompassing, like things that are surrounding your character. Basically describe the setting. And yes, you could do a lot with character interaction in a setting such as a bar. You could drink, or bartend, or clean. It's all up to you

valkern · **Tips:** 0.00 INK by **valkern** on Fri Aug 15, 2008 3:41 am

London 9 a clock according to Big Ben , English rain coated the cobble street‘s and roads pitter-pattering on the roof like the knock of a small child against a hollow door. In the shadow of this rainy night a figure staggers, dragging his left foot the soaked stranger made no sound, rain bouncing of the black leather coat making a soft echoing thud. Sounds of far away Christmas church bells could be heard the soft glow of Christmas lights glowed in the darkness, like candles guiding lost souls to empty store windows or cozy homes.

It wasn’t too long ago this figure had been a man, Nick was his name as many could recall he was orphaned due to his constant screams of demons walking the streets, hatred towards their new son drove them to leave, alone on a night much like this one in the middle of the road. Thankfully he was found by a group of black hooded nuns praying for peace and that Germany would not bomb London.
Fitting in like a mouse in a dog house he grew up still seething over some people calling people that came in demons, the unclean. Fearful the nuns sent the boy to Vatican City much of what happened there is unknown.

Around the time the Second World War had began and as the first shots pierced the souls of innocence and the air was thick with death, a man with brown hair and pale blue eyes emerged. Walking down the steps of Vatican City his face was of an American build broad shoulders his height was normal and looked like he was in his mid 20’s. That didn’t catch the eyes of those watching though it was the unnormal that made people follow the man with their piercing eyes, was his skin color pale as though not a ounce of blood seemed to run though the mans vains.
That day forward odd paranormal activity dropped the stories of vampires and evil demons lurking the woods ceased, anything pure evil stopped but didn’t stop society from being its own evil. As evil dictators and ever thing that held mankind down, crime rates grew murders were frequent stories it became the normal stopped shocking people to react.

*Current time 9:14PM Friday December 24 2008*
Along the old Cabled road of Saint Anthony street which was lined with small shops which of course were all closed lights all turned off the shop keepers at home with their families. Along this road sat a small pub as well its hollow lights piercing the darkness the light promising a warm drink and a smile, happily named the Winchester it was the shape of a old cabin with a black roof and red painted logs. Stain glass windows which entitled the pubs name with a small musket the shadow of figures danced along the glass and the wordless mutter of words leaked though it.
The figure made its way to the door a pale white hand reaching out of the dark leather cloak grabbing the cold steel of the handle pulling it back, walking inside as the small bell rung behind him alerting the bartender of another customer Valkern sat down.

“Jesus mate you’re as pale as the dead.” The old redhead bartender said looking at the soaking wet brown haired man. The fat bartender in his Crispin plaid shirt turned around reaching up for a dusty bottle which sat on the top shelf, uncorking the dusty bottle with the slide of his huge thumb and setting it down as the huge hand reached for a mason’s jar and poured the brown contents into the jar.
Valkern sniffed the air and he coughed the brewage was strong like whisky but hundred times worse.
“What is this stuff?” Spoke a raspy voice the cold pale hand griping the jar and bringing it up to his lips.
“Home made.” The bartender laughed and slowly eyes widened as Valkern gulped it down like it was coke and sat down the jar.
“That was tasty.” Valkern said with a grin his pale eyes flashing though the bar.

Mia Siserae · **Tips:** 0.00 INK by **Mia Siserae** on Sat Aug 16, 2008 8:59 pm

Tutorial Note: Wow. That was an excellent post. I am awestruck by the talent that you have, good job Valkern! It seems that your strong points are around character background and environmental descriptions. The only thing I have to say about it is again the long run-on sentences and comma splices. Don't be afraid to break up your long sentences when it finishes an idea. I really like the tone that you set. Great job!

-------------------------

High leather boots rhythmically beat against the old pavement as a slender figure with long dark turquoise hair edged across the shadows of the street. Flickering street lights paved the way to an old town bar as its stained glass windows revealed in Old English lettering 'Winchester'. A slight shiver ran down her spine as she pushed open the old steel door to the town bar. With a creek and a ringing of a small bell the door made way for her as she slowly paced in, scanning the bar with her lavender eyes. A long black trench coat accompanied a skin tight, glossy black suit as she had her coat tied shut around her midsection.

Making her way over to the bar she found an unoccupied stool as she slid her slender figure over it. Mia's cheeks here rosy red and full of life as she licked her crimson lips while considering what she would quench herself with when the bartender noticed her. It was nearly Christmas and she didn't think there would be this many people out at the bar tonight. She came alone, of course, her folks much too old to come out at this time of night. It had been a long time since she had been back in town, and it hadn't changed a bit.

Shifting her gaze from the bartender after ordering a cup of the local brew, she noticed a pale figure beside her. He instantly captured her curiosity as she noticed that he really did look like death.

valkern · **Tips:** 0.00 INK by **valkern** on Sun Aug 17, 2008 12:46 am

The figure next to her dug his pale hand into his soaked leather clock his hands jingling some sort of metal. Pulling up five golden coins and laying them on the oak table, on closer examination one would see they were infarct very old
Vatican city coins, oddly dated and a unfamiliar pope on the face but no doubt solid gold. The bartender looked at him his head drifting back to the coins and quickly dragged his fingers across the table, dragging the gold coins along till they fell in his palm and into his pocket.

“Can I have the bottle?” Valkern spoke his voice with a firm American sounding voice the bartender nodded. The figure lifted up the bottle and started to down the substance, onlookers watched in awe the bartender as well. Wasn’t humanly possible to hold down that much liquor and down it like back. The sicking sound of the liquid going down his throat and the bottle’s empty noise as it was laid on the table.

Valkern smelt blood looking down saw a puddle forming on the wood below him dripping over his leather shoes. Blood staining his brown dress soaks in the process no one seemed to notice it yet and he could already feel the uneasy welcome of the people.

“Another Christmas spent alone eehh?” He said purposely slurring his words and staggered out the door but one could tell it was for show. A small blood stain was left from where he was sitting his blood was odd color it was dark like merlot wine.

He stopped staggering as he cleared view of the window and stumbled into the cold dark alley next to the Winchester. The smell of wet wood and cardboard box’s filled the cramped air in the alley, at least it wasn’t rotting fish he was thankful. Dragging his left foot he found himself a cardboard box shielded by the rain from the garbage can lid that hung loosely over him propped against a pole of some sort. He fell to his knees with a thud and crawled inside. He pulled his feet in as close as he could and closed his eyes a hero of the world savior of man sleeping in a box on Christmas Eve how fitting, while evil men gauge there faces with roasted turkey and huge mansions.

Mia Siserae · **Tips:** 0.00 INK by **Mia Siserae** on Mon Aug 18, 2008 6:21 pm

Tutorial Note: Wow, I'm impressed by how quickly your writing has improved. Aside from very few misspellings and grammatical errors, I really have nothing to say about your post except that it was very good. Did you have any questions for me? Or was there anything in particular you wanted to focus on?

---------------------------

As the cold steel door closed behind him, Mia noticed fresh crimson spots and splatters on the floor leading to the door. Without even waiting for the bartender to get her drink, she dropped a few silver coins on the bar top and got up to leave. With a wave she was out of the steel door and back into the cold Christmas night. The rain didn't phase her as it began to drench her long teal hair. It wasn't difficult for her to track him down as the splatters of crimson across the pavement facilitated the process.

She was a curious as a kitten and it almost always got her into trouble. Mia always had a way of getting herself out of trouble though. By now she had already identified the crimson droplets as blood. It didn't take a bio-medical graduate such as herself too long to figure that out. Rounding a corner to a darkened alleyway she noticed that the blood droplets ended at the opening of an old cardboard box. Mia could barely make out a pair of feet slightly sticking out of the box as the alleyway was darker than she had hoped.

Cautiously she approached the cardboard box wondering if it was more polite to knock or call out to the man occupying it. She decided that it was best to keep a good distance and call out to him. "Excuse me, sir? Are you alright in there?"

valkern · **Tips:** 0.00 INK by **valkern** on Mon Aug 18, 2008 8:50 pm

The man looked up at her and heard her soft words spoken mixing in with the moan of the rain.
“Are you ok?” her British ancient was designable.

“Not really.” He said saddens in his eyes but his spirit was a bit happy he was acutely noticed by a human the world wasn’t all full of evil as he once imagined. In all honestly he was bleeding out, he had attacked a group of werewolf’s killing all 30 ending the spree of constant wolf attacks on the city. They had been chasing a little girl when he found them.
“What is a kind spirit like you doing out here messing with bum’s during Christmas Eve don’t you have a family or something. “he said standing up and walked towards her reaching for something under his cloak. He pulled it out it was an umbrella he handed the black featureless umbrella to her.
“Marry Christmas.” He said with a weak smile his light blue eyes gleaming in the night. His bones hurt from the cold and he wished he could stay some place warm but he didn’t have the money. He was making his way back to Vatican city so he could sleep but with all the Christmas things going on they forced him to leave till all the guest had left. The old popes would never do that to him but this was a new age.

Mia Siserae · **Tips:** 0.00 INK by **Mia Siserae** on Tue Aug 19, 2008 8:09 am

Tutorial note: Alright some new points to touch base on. As far as character interaction goes, when quoting another character as you did here: “Are you ok?”

You have to copy and paste EXACTLY what they typed or else state that your character heard "Are you okay" instead of "Excuse me, sir? Are you alright in there?" Misquoting is never a good thing.

Also, in the following sentence when you posted: He said saddens in his eyes but his spirit was a bit happy he was acutely noticed by a human the world wasn’t all full of evil as he once imagined.

You have two whole sentences in one. I would've done something like: "Not really," he said with a sad look in his eyes. His spirit, though, was a bit happy as he was acutely noticed by a human - the world wasn't all full of evil as he once imagined.

With the correct punctuation and pauses it makes it flow a bit better. Moreover when you posted: He pulled it out it was an umbrella he handed the black featureless umbrella to her.

This sentence is a bit choppy as you are a little redundant and it lacks punctuation and pauses. This could easily be fixed by taking out one of the "it"s and "umbrella"s like: He pulled out a black featureless umbrella and handed it to her.

I hope this helps! Let me know if you have any questions.

--------------------

Revision assignment: Repost your previous post and consider the points mentioned up above.
Focus: Use correct punctuation to indicate pauses in your sentences.

valkern · **Tips:** 0.00 INK by **valkern** on Tue Aug 19, 2008 1:47 pm

The man looked up at her and heard her soft words spoken mixing in with the moan of the rain.
"Excuse me, sir? Are you alright in there?" Her British ancient was designable. Valkern opened his sad blue eyes, “Not really.” He spoke his words drawn to a bit of nervousness, in reality he was bleeding out due to a wound received earlier.

A group of werewolf’s had been terrorizing the city for a while till he had put a stop to it, they were after a little girl tonight he saved her but one got a good bite on his leg. After the task was done he had called Vatican city to finish his mission and come home.
“You can’t come there is a party going on and I don’t want guest asking questions try back in like 2 weeks.” The pope said the sound of laughing in the background and the tone of a phone hanging up.

Valkern knew much of the world was evil it seemed now days but there was few worth fighting for like this girl making sure some bum is alright.
Sitting up in the box he looked at her his pale blue eyes piercing the darkness,
“You should be standing in the rain either or going down dark alleys.” He said thinking about giving her his only umbrella but figured she would be going back inside the bar.

Mia Siserae · **Tips:** 0.00 INK by **Mia Siserae** on Wed Aug 20, 2008 1:35 am

Tutorial Note: Great job! That was a whole lot better! I'm going to start giving you much more freedom now by letting you choose this next scenario and topic. Don't tell me what it is, I will try my best to go along with it.

-------------------------------
Next Assignment: Write a post. Put enough information in your post so that I may be able to gather posting material off of it.
Focus: Keep away from those run-on sentences!!

valkern · **Tips:** 0.00 INK by **valkern** on Wed Aug 20, 2008 4:31 am

Sounds of wave’s hitting a sandy beach, whispering into ones ear the cry of a sea gull awakes him.
A man sits alone sitting on the tan sand which constantly battled the aqua blue sea that seemed to hit the land for eternity. The man sits up with a groan sand sticking to his back, looking down he see’s he is wearing ripped blue jeans and is shirtless at the moment. His triceps rattled with fresh cuts from a coral reef it seems, standing up he looks down and wiggle’s his toe’s his bare feet touching the sand.

He looked out into the horizon his dark green eye’s trailing from right to left, no sight nor sound is spotted by the man and his head lowers. His friends swallowed by the sea it seems alive but alone in a uncharted land rather die quickly in a crowd then die slowly all on your own.
Turning around he sees nothing but coconut trees and a dense jungle, as welcoming to him as a lions open jaw.

His mind flash’s all those years in the merchant navy should have prepared him for this, he felt dumb for feeling scared.
“This happens all the time.” He thought to himself already starting to miss England taking a heavy sigh he takes a step toward the unknown, entering into the lions green jaw which was the jungle.

Mia Siserae · **Tips:** 0.00 INK by **Mia Siserae** on Sat Aug 23, 2008 2:40 am

Tutorial Note: That post was excellent

She could see him in the distance as she balanced from a sturdy branch from a treetop. Friend or foe she knew not, but when rumors had spread through her village that an outsider was camped along the water's edge she made it a point to find out for herself if those rumors were true. He didn't seem as scary as the villagers made him out to be. Edging closer with curiosity, she was extra cautious to be as quiet as can be.

Hovering directly above him as she held on tight to a tree branch, she peered down at him. He seemed to be walking toward the jungle. As luck would have it, right when he was directly under her, the branch that supported her began to gave in as it cracked. A gasp escaped her lips as her short black hair stood on end in fear.

Before she could grasp onto anything, the branch completely broke off sending her straight down right on top of him as the branch landed right on her head. A groan of pain escaped her crimson lips as she grasped onto her head in pain.

valkern · **Tips:** 0.00 INK by **valkern** on Sun Aug 24, 2008 3:31 am

Valkern had made it to the greenish tree line thoughts filling his head.
“God I hope threes inhabits are nice or something I wonder if threes even people here.” He said to him said his bare feet starting to come in contact with the green grass which had been warmed by the sun all day. He heard a crack and looked up and that was when ever thing went black and sleep enveloped him in its silent blanket.
He was out cold and wouldn’t be up for some time by the looks his body was sprawled onto his back his legs slightly at a angle.

Mia Siserae · **Tips:** 0.00 INK by **Mia Siserae** on Wed Sep 03, 2008 11:37 pm

Alright, something I noticed about this post compared to the one you posted before it is that there's a significant change in your writing style. I'm not sure why, perhaps it's because of the character interaction, but it almost seems like you're a completely different writer than before.

When you posted: Valkern had made it to the greenish tree line thoughts filling his head.

"...thoughts filling his head," is a fragment which could be fixed by adding the word "with" before it so it would flow like: Valkern had made it to the greenish tree line with thoughts filling his head.

Also when you typed: “God I hope threes inhabits are nice or something I wonder if threes even people here.”

I think you meant "these" and "there's" instead of "threes." Remember to read over your post once you're done to make sure they have the correct spellings.

Moreover when you posted: He said to him said his bare feet starting to come in contact with the green grass which had been warmed by the sun all day.

The first part of it confused me when you said,"He said to him said" I believe you meant "himself."

Lastly when you posted: He heard a crack and looked up and that was when ever thing went black and sleep enveloped him in its silent blanket.

You have two conjunctions in there and it could have flowed better with a gerund (word ending in -ing). For instance I probably would have done something like: Hearing a crack he looked up and that was when everything went black as sleep enveloped him in its silent blanket.

-----------------------------

Revision Assignment: Edit your previous post and consider the points discussed above
Focus: Character Interaction. Let me know if you have any other questions!

RPAcademy: Mia and Valkern

a topic in The Academy, a part of the RPG forum.

Re: RPAcademy: Mia and Valkern

Re: RPAcademy: Mia and Valkern

Re: RPAcademy: Mia and Valkern

Re: RPAcademy: Mia and Valkern

Re: RPAcademy: Mia and Valkern

Re: RPAcademy: Mia and Valkern

Re: RPAcademy: Mia and Valkern

Re: RPAcademy: Mia and Valkern

Re: RPAcademy: Mia and Valkern

Re: RPAcademy: Mia and Valkern

Re: RPAcademy: Mia and Valkern

Re: RPAcademy: Mia and Valkern

Re: RPAcademy: Mia and Valkern

Re: RPAcademy: Mia and Valkern

Re: RPAcademy: Mia and Valkern

Post a reply

Make a Donation

Who is online