RPAcademy: Mia and Valkern

Mia Siserae · **Tips:** 0.00 INK by **Mia Siserae** on Tue Jul 29, 2008 3:30 am

Tutorial session with Mia and Valkern.

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First Assignment: Write a short post on the following scenario.
Setting: School Nurse's Office
Problem: You fell and you're bleeding

valkern · **Tips:** 0.00 INK by **valkern** on Tue Jul 29, 2008 3:39 am

Valkern laid back his arm bleeding from a small motorcycle accident earlier, blood dribbled slowly down his arm the cold air making the blood feel odd against his skin. Valkern didn’t want to rub the blood off and make white hospital type bed bloody.
“I can’t believe I wrecked my new bike I just bought red Honda 12 days ago.” Valkern thought to himself.
He looked down at his blue jeans and noticed they were a bit scuffed, blood soaking a bit where he scuffed his knees. “Hope I don’t need any stitches.” Valkern mumbled to himself still waiting on the nurse. The white room around him was bleak and felt impersonal type of place you just didn’t want to stay in foreign object littered the table. Some were sharp others had scary warning pictures on them that he had no idea what about. They made him nervous and hoped she didn’t use any of them when someone came into the room to examine him.

Mia Siserae · **Tips:** 0.00 INK by **Mia Siserae** on Tue Jul 29, 2008 3:59 am

The ideas that you have are very good. I just think you may have just a bit of difficulty trying to communicate them. It seems like you are trying to fit everything in one sentence. Try communicating a single idea in once sentence first. For example, when you posted:

The white room around him was bleak and felt impersonal type of place you just didn’t want to stay in foreign object littered the table.

I would have done something like this:

The white room around him was bleak and felt impersonal, the type of place you just didn't want to stay in.

Remember, short and simple can go a long way. Use the word "type" only when you absolutely have to. Also, try using "the" before some of your nouns to make it flow a little bit better. For instance, when you posted:

Valkern didn’t want to rub the blood off and make white hospital type bed bloody.

I would have done something like:

Valkern didn't want to rub the blood off and make the white hospital bed bloody.

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Second Assignment: Rewrite the post, focusing on what has been discussed and focus on simplifying the sentences.

valkern · **Tips:** 0.00 INK by **valkern** on Tue Jul 29, 2008 4:19 am

Valkern laid back his arm bleeding from a small motorcycle accident earlier outside in the school parking lot. The white room around him was bleak and felt impersonal and cold, the type of place one didnt want to stay in or even see. Valkern glanced around spoting niddles and foreign objects that looked as tho it was tourture devices, gulping he look down at his harm feeling a cold liquid run down his arm, blood from his wound drained forward cooling quickly in the cold room tingleing his arm as it ran down.
"I hope my bike is ok only bought it 12 days ago." Valkern mumbled to him looking down at his blue jeans, blood damped forward on both knees staining his pants. He sighed trying not to pay attention, he realy didnt like the sight of blood.

Blood dribbled slowly down his arm the cold air making the blood feel odd against his skin. Valkern didn’t want to rub the blood off and make white hospital type bed bloody.
“I can’t believe I wrecked my new bike I just bought red Honda 12 days ago.” Valkern thought to himself.
He looked down at his blue jeans and noticed they were a bit scuffed, blood soaking a bit where he scuffed his knees. “Hope I don’t need any stitches.” Valkern mumbled to himself still waiting on the nurse. The white room around him was bleak and felt impersonal type of place you just didn’t want to stay in foreign object littered the table. Some were sharp others had scary warning pictures on them that he had no idea what about. They made him nervous and hoped she didn’t use any of them when someone came into the room to examine him.

valkern · **Tips:** 0.00 INK by **valkern** on Tue Jul 29, 2008 4:19 am

How was that

Mia Siserae · **Tips:** 0.00 INK by **Mia Siserae** on Tue Jul 29, 2008 1:50 pm

That was A LOT better Valkern. That was actually a pretty good post. There were a few grammatical errors though. When RPing, spell checking makes all the difference. For instance when you posted:

Valkern glanced around spoting niddles and foreign objects that looked as tho it was tourture devices, gulping he look down at his harm feeling a cold liquid run down his arm, blood from his wound drained forward cooling quickly in the cold room tingleing his arm as it ran down.

The following were misspelled: spotting, needles,though, torture, arm, and tingling.

Also, the above example is what we call a comma splice, or a type of run-on sentence where you're using a comma in the place of a period. Using exactly what you have, I would have done something like:

Valkern glanced around spotting needles and foreign objects that looked as though they were torture devices. Gulping he looked down at his arm, feeling a cold liquid run down as blood from his wound drained forward, cooling quickly in the cold room while making his arm tingle as it ran down.

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Third Assignment: Write up a short post on the following scenario.
Setting: Home
Problem: Cleaning your room
Focus: Surroundings, try to incorporate more of your environment into your post. Get creative

valkern · **Tips:** 0.00 INK by **valkern** on Wed Jul 30, 2008 1:17 am

Valkern walked down hall which lead to his bedroom, avoiding the blue vacuum cleaner on the way. Stepping towards the door he stopped examining what needed to be nailed it wasn’t completely build yet but still closed and kept sound out. Closing it behind him, he examined his room smiling as he looked at all the western decorum of the room. Walking forward the blue fuzzy rug tingling the bottom of his bare feet, he giggled softly and took a deep breath.
“Wow something smells wrong in here.” He gagged
Turning around, grabbing the lighter which sat on the top of his drawers he had bought from Russia he lit the blue candle sat next to the lighter, warm smell of an ocean breeze filling the room bring a smile to his face reminding him of past trips.
Walking back out the semi broken door bring back the blue vacuum from the hall way, untangling the cord off the back in the middle of the room and plugging it in the brown socket. Standing back he switching power on, causing its engine to cry and start to suck things off the floor.
12miniuets go by as he vacuums finally finishing yanking the cord out of the wall and clasping on his bed.
Turning his neck he could see he was laying on the blanket his grandmother had given him before she die and he sighed.
“Wish some happy things where in here as well.” Whispering to him self.

Mia Siserae · **Tips:** 0.00 INK by **Mia Siserae** on Wed Jul 30, 2008 9:01 pm

I am currently on my way to Chicago, unfortunately I cannot find anyone to substitute but I should be back by Tuesday. I'll be back soon!

Mia Siserae · **Tips:** 0.00 INK by **Mia Siserae** on Fri Aug 01, 2008 12:27 am

So this hotel that pretty much rocks has free WiFi XD That post was a great improvement! Here are some things that I noticed though. When you posted:

Stepping towards the door he stopped examining what needed to be nailed it wasn’t completely build yet but still closed and kept sound out.

I kind of had to guess what was broken, so try making it just a little bit clear like:

Stepping toward the door he stopped to examine the broken hinges - it wasn't completely built yet but was still able to close and keep the sound out.

Unless you're refraining from unveiling too much of the plot line in an RP, you should try to be as clear as possible on what your character is doing.

Also when you posted:

Turning around, grabbing the lighter which sat on the top of his drawers he had bought from Russia he lit the blue candle sat next to the lighter, warm smell of an ocean breeze filling the room bring a smile to his face reminding him of past trips.

It's all very good, but could have been broken down into two sentences like:

Turning around and grabbing the lighter that he bought from Russia which sat on top of his drawers, he lit the blue candle that sat next to the lighter. The warm smell of an ocean breeze filling the room brought a smile to his face as it reminded him of past trips.

Remember when you are using gerunds, or words ending in "ing" , don't forget to include a verb. Also remember when you are going to write long sentences or combining sentences it helps to use conjunctions such as "and" or "or" and of course "but, yet, and so" in between two different ideas.

The same goes for when you posted:

Walking back out the semi broken door bring back the blue vacuum from the hall way, untangling the cord off the back in the middle of the room and plugging it in the brown socket.

This sentence could have been broken into two. I would have done something like:

Walking back out the semi-broken door he brings the vacuum in from the hallway. Shortly afterwards he untangled the cord in the middle of the room and plugs it into the brown socket.

Lastly, in at the end of your post you gave off the feeling of sadness and I felt that there wasn't too much build up into that sadness. Overall I see good improvement

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Fourth Assignment: Write a post on the following scenario.
Setting: Opera House
Problem: You're in the middle of a performance, sitting in the center of the audience when you have to go the bathroom REALLY REALLY bad.
Focus: Try and keep your sentences short and combine them accordingly if you want to keep them long. REMEMBER: To include a verb when using gerunds. Try and really get into the emotions of your character and allowing the readers to get into his head.

valkern · **Tips:** 0.00 INK by **valkern** on Tue Aug 05, 2008 3:05 am

(Theres a point ive reached where I don’t know what to hell to post and that is it.)
Nick sat on the old wooden stage which had been in the school for almost 80 years the scuffed up wood told many stories of plays and fun times. This time however the play was Shakes spear and it was just about over, as soon as the curtains reopened he would run out and kiss Juliet, kill himself and the play would be over.
However unknown to ever one he was about to wet his pants, on the stage floor he was thinking maybe he couldn’t even make it to the dressing room door. His legs buckled and he was sweating bottles of sweat, the curtains were pulled open. Running out he kissed the girls lips he had always had a crush on her and wanted to kiss her but having to pee canceled out that diseur. As the sence was over he ran to the dressing room flinging open the gray metal door and pulled down his tan hide pants and used the restroom sighing in relief.
“Whoof.” He said whipping his head off from the sweat and pulling his pants up, outside he could hear cheers and knew the play had done well he opened the door however.
Standing in front of him was his crush with a blush on her face.
“I was wondering if me and you could sort of kiss like that a bit longer.” Nick grinned and washed his hands quickly and went with her for a romantic night.

Mia Siserae · **Tips:** 0.00 INK by **Mia Siserae** on Tue Aug 05, 2008 3:43 am

That was pretty funny, I enjoyed reading that lol

There were a few minor things, like misspelling "Shakespeare" and putting a comma in your first sentence like the following:

Nick sat on the old wooden stage which had been in the school for almost 80 years, the scuffed up wood told many stories of plays and fun times.

And in the following sentence:

Running out he kissed the girls lips he had always had a crush on her and wanted to kiss her but having to pee canceled out that diseur.

I think that could've been just a tad bit more clear, and flow a little bit better like:

Running out he kissed the girl who he always had a crush on. He always wanted to kiss her but his need to pee allowed him to give no thought to the matter. (There are several different ways to write this)

You also said "whipping" instead of "wiping" lol but yea, other than a few misspelled words, this post flowed a lot better than your previous ones and I really liked how you went about it. Great job!!

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Fifth Assignment: Write a post on the following scenario. I will be roleplaying with you.
Setting: Combat field
Problem: Your faction is losing and you have been given orders to retreat
Focus: Really get into your character's head and maybe tell the readers a little bit of background information. After your first post, I will have my character interact with yours.

valkern · **Tips:** 0.00 INK by **valkern** on Tue Aug 05, 2008 3:10 pm

His long black hair blew in the rain soaked breeze the sound of gun fire muting any sound that was too be heard. Valkern didn’t use to be a soldier he had a normal life once, he grew up in south Texas and oddly raised by Buddhist monks in a temple that was in the middle of no were. When the war came he was drafted and was given a ton of prayer bead. All Valkern wanted to do was go home and go back to his family and friends again.
“Attention we are treating privet valkern will stay behind as the rest of us fall back so they don’t rush in.” The commander laughed gunning the dune buggy at of the base. Valkern sighed and looked down at the enemy approaching from below it was just a matter of time before they came in and ripped him to shreds.
Valkern said a quick prayer and pulled the levar back on the machine gun and started to shoot any thing that moved,

Mia Siserae · **Tips:** 0.00 INK by **Mia Siserae** on Wed Aug 06, 2008 12:22 pm

Tutorial Note: Remember to try and shorten your sentences and try not to use run-on sentences.
Focus: Go into the description of your character's appearance

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As she let the order sink in, Mia wiped the sweat off of the back of her neck. After all of these years serving in the armed forces, they repay her by leaving her behind as her comrades retreat. It was difficult for her to be proud of her country when her life is now on the front line. She noticed she wasn't alone. On a high rise above her, a soldier continued to carry out his orders with a machine gun at hand. As the area began to clear out, she edged around the field toward this soldier while guiding a few panicking soldiers to safety. As she neared him, she noticed that he had on Buddhist prayer beads. From the look of him, she could tell that he didn't want to be there as much as she did. When she was within earshot, Mia crouched down so as not to catch any cascading bullets. In her camo gear along with a matching helmet with nothing but a simple rifle at hand, she turned to call out to the soldier,"How is it looking up there soldier?!?" Mia hoped that he could hear her through the machine gun rounds.

valkern · **Tips:** 0.00 INK by **valkern** on Fri Aug 08, 2008 12:57 am

“You don’t want to know.” He yelled he looked down at her, his pale green eyes filled with sadness as he looked back, barren black wasteland the haze of dirt being kicked up as enemy tanks approached death. Chills ran down from his hand, maybe it was death’s cold embrace he had a rendezvous with death, maybe he should take his hand and lead him in his dark land and close his eyes and quiche my breath and I to my pledged word is true I will probley not avoid this rendezvous.
His black hair blew as a shell flew right past his head and taking out a large radio gray radio tower next to him, moaning of metal and screams inside were silenced with rocks crashing together the tower was gone the screams stopped.
Valkern didnt even flinch and closed his eyes and prayed a bit more just as his friend ran up to him.
“Valkern what if I told ya there enemy had a shipment of gold coming in.” The red headed southern man yelled his armor seemed beat up and he wasn’t wearing a helmet.
“Want to be rich.” He laughed as the last Truck left with the troops and them being the last 3.

Mia Siserae · **Tips:** 0.00 INK by **Mia Siserae** on Sun Aug 10, 2008 11:49 pm

Tutorial Note: In your second sentence you shifted from third person point of view to first person. That's a BIG no, no in writing. Overall your writing has improved significantly! Remember to try and shorten your sentences.
Next Post Focus: Plot development. Point out a problem and try and work the characters around solving it.
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Mia could not believe what she was hearing. How could those two think about getting rich at a time like this!? Shifting her gaze to the enemy, she saw one gunman aiming straight at her comrade. Thinking quickly she lifted her rifle and swung the end of it past Valkern's feet to sweep him to the ground. She knew the fall may hurt him a bit, but figured a bullet to his head probably would have hurt him more. Her heart skipped a beat as bullets continued to rain down from the dust polluted sky. It suddenly dawned on her that it may be the last thing she sees.

valkern · **Tips:** 0.00 INK by **valkern** on Mon Aug 11, 2008 3:04 am

Just as he began to think about the offer he was just given he felt his feet leave the ground and his head hit the metal below him, his standard issue gray metal chest plate clanked against it looking up in time to see the bullet rippast where he was.
“To close.” He thought to himself memories of his home flashing through his head and his pray that he would see it in the flesh again.
“So how about it and by the way missy you can come along to should be more than plenty for all 3 of us.” He laughed a bullet striking his back making him move forward and laugh.
“That tickled.” He yelled aiming down the sights of his gun ripping the man who had shot at him head from his body.
“how are we even the expos to get over there.” Valkern asked sitting up and nodding to Mai.
“Thank you.” He yelled as the gunfire started to get louder as enemies approached
“Follow me I already got charges deployed is going to like a firecracker in a hail storm.” The redneck said spitting leaping down to the red dirt below them and walking towards a covered cameo tent.
“I think killing them and blowing this place up stopping them in their tracks and also getting rich isnt to bad of a idea they left here to die so they think we’re dead and we can ship it out easier.” Valkern said hoping off as well looking back up at Mai.
“Come on I don’t want to regret leavening you here already have enough sins to pray for already.” He said with a smile.

Mia Siserae · **Tips:** 0.00 INK by **Mia Siserae** on Tue Aug 12, 2008 11:54 am

That was a tad unclear but I got the gist of it. I really liked how you put in a few character descriptions in your post. Lets try another scenario and this time I'll start if off

I'm going to leave out the scenario and just have you RP based off of my post.

Focus: Character interaction

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Her heart was beating rapidly as she tried to calm it down with controlled breathing exercises. It dawned on her as she was standing bent over with her hands on the edge of the diving platform that the whole school was watching this race. Trying to keep her mind on the lane before her she waited for the signal to jump, as the skin tight navy blue one-piece hugged at her sides keeping her as aerodynamic as possible. Her long black hair was concealed in a silicon white swim cap that was covered with a pair of tight goggles. This would be her first co-ed race as she noticed the other girls and the guys on the diving platforms next to her. They were all there for the same reason. To claim the title of the fastest swimmer at Washington High School. A loud voice through a megaphone silenced the audience,"SWIMMERS, TAKE YOUR MARK!!" *BEEP!!*

valkern · **Tips:** 0.00 INK by **valkern** on Wed Aug 13, 2008 4:01 am

Nick stood at the other end of the pool his girl friend Mai was competing for the gold medal in the Olympics she would be the swimmer competing for America. He cheered her own his voice echoing over to her for her to do her best. He knew she was nervous, he had been giving her back rubs and helping her practice for the last 2 months. He brushed his blonde hair and kneeled down watching as she jumped in. The crowds roared and the flash’s of camera’s echoed off the water.
“COME ON MAI!” he screamed.

Mia Siserae · **Tips:** 0.00 INK by **Mia Siserae** on Wed Aug 13, 2008 2:29 pm

Tutorial Note: Remember when RPing with other people to not misspell their names x.x Other than that your post was great!

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Before Mia knew it, the race was over as quick as it had begun. She fell half a second short and came in second. Trying to catch her breath she swam over to the side ladder to pull herself out of the pool. She squeezed her way around the dripping wet bodies of the swimmers as they congratulated the winner. She gave her own congratulations with a pat on the back. Deep within her, though she couldn't help but feel just a little disheartened. Mia was really glad that her boyfriend was there to watch her. She knew that no matter what the outcome of the race was, he would still be proud of her. She turned toward him and smiled as she paced towards him with a towel around her shoulders.

valkern · **Tips:** 0.00 INK by **valkern** on Wed Aug 13, 2008 4:39 pm

"That was great Mai." he said giving her a hug his blue shorts and shirt getting wet from the pool water on her but he didn’t care.
"You did well looks like you came in third to me." Nick laughed his laughter could make other people smile it was almost magical and leaned forward and kissed her with a smile. His green eyes said it was ok he was proud of her his brown hair shined in the lights above.

RPAcademy: Mia and Valkern

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