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Shadow Zone

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Shadow Zone

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Ezekiel Maxwell on Tue Oct 09, 2007 5:40 pm

I'm new around here, enjoy a bit of feed back, and felt this a good way to help ease into things around here. So, on that note, here is the first part of a rather short story of mine. I don't like posting entire stories at once and most people don't like reading whole stories at once, heh, so if you want more let me know.

As a side note, this piece of writing is from just over a year and a half ago so the grammar might not be up to snuff.

Shadow Zone

    Author; Ezekiel Maxwell
    Rating: PG-13
    Includes: Vampires

Two figures glided among the masses out front of the Shadow Zone. The bass of the latest trance was pounding throughout the club, easily being heard on the street in the front. Slowly the man led the woman inside, Zeke being dressed in loose fitting cargo pants, a silk muscle shirt and a jacket that ended at the back of his knees, while the other was dressed in a sort of dress that left little to the imagination, but just enough to be enticing. Each of them where fresh from a crime scene, both had a smile from ear to ear on their face...hints of the sadistic nature hiding on their predatory faces.

With but a nod they were ushered in, Zeke having just recently inheriting the club after his fathers untimely passing at Melody's hands. The thought only served to widen his grin as he glanced over to her, observing the entire club and most likely scoping out something to eat.

"Care for a dance?"

His voice somehow remained soft, almost seductive in nature as he looked at her then to the crowd. His eyes grew wide for a brief second as he caught sight of three that should not be here, three he did not like. They were on his territory, most likely hunting His kine. Her angelic voice brought him back to reality, causing him to turn away from them.

"I would love too, but it seems you've sighted someone else..."

She was joking, he was fuming about the other Kindred here. He had talked to the prince not two nights ago about this, had warned him that if the Prince didn't do his job and make sure they knew this place was off limits he would get rid of them; for good. His tongue flicked out over his lips, climbing up the fang concealed within his mouth. He gave a nod towards each of the others in turn, two females and one male. Melody followed his nod with surprising ease.

"Clear out the V.I.P room, I'll have them up in one moment."

In an instant she had disappeared among the crowd, an easy task in a place as big as this. He strode towards the stairs quickly, a slight flair of anger still within him from the other three being her and preventing him from dancing with his angel.

As always there was quite the collection of people in the V.I.P room testing out many different types of drugs, drinking, or feeling the effect of drugs taken long ago. He recognized a few of them, but he had business to do and he couldn't have them in here for what he had in mind, lest they wanted to join the three that would be up here soon. He looked each person in their in the eyes, none of them would miss the rage slowly building within them and not a single one of them was foolish enough to stay.

Once they had cleared out he moved over to the main seat, sitting down slowly and pulling out his gun and silencer. He spun the thing into place, like music to his ears it twisted on with ease. He turned the safety off and pushed it into the cushion at his side and out of sight, waiting for his angel to return with the three kindred in tow. He slowly leaned back, lowering his head and contemplating getting himself a drink as he waited, but his thought process was cut short as she walked in with the two females and male following.

Nothing about them looked to exceptional, all dressed in your average club going attire. He could easily read that one of them was on some sort of drug by her facial expression, the other two looked calm but with a questioning look upon their faces. They slowly looked between Melody, whom was now taking a seat next to Zeke, and Zeke.
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Ezekiel Maxwell
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Re: Shadow Zone

Tips: 0.00 INK Postby Circ on Sat Oct 20, 2007 11:14 am

Much like ethnocentrism causes a person from one country to see no distinguishing characteristics amongst people of another country, I tend to look at vampire fanfiction and have difficulty pulling out the special, unique qualities of the story. So keep that in mind, as my critique may be completely off base.

The framework, to me, seems very stereotypical: vampires, nightclubs, drugs, sex, crime, and territory wars. If one were to immerse themselves in the popular media surrounding vampires, those are probably the first things to jump into one's mind. Using popular stereotypes is not necessarily bad, so long as there is something to separate one's efforts from the norm, be it quality, a unique approach to storytelling, or a complex and interesting plot. However, I see no distinguishing characteristics here. There is nothing bad--the syntax is fine, with a small set of peccadilloes--but nothing stands out to make it special. When you write, you should ask yourself this important question: "What can I do to make sure the reader does not forget my story a day from now?"
conditio sine qua non

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Circ
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