The Astonishing (mis)Adventures of Taco and Chemo

Two twenty-something men stood in front of a rather flamboyant painting of nude men hanging in the living room of an apartment in Wing City. Both men trying to rationalize what they were seeing exactly.

"This is kind of gay, Chemo." The first man said to his friend. He was a tall Caucasian man with neatly combed dark brown. His sharp jawline and unblemished skin only served to make him appear attractive to the opposite sex, or the same sex if they were into that, and didn't do much to dissuade the man from being just a little full of himself.

"Yeah... I'm gay and I find this to be kind of... gay, Taco" The second man, Chemo, said to the first, Taco. The second man was tall Hispanic man with dark skin and a buzzcut. Like the first man he was attractive, but his general demeanor was more laid back.

He wasn't devoid of confidence, just cockiness. If there was any it wasn't misplaced or delusional.

"Who put this here?" Taco asked, "I have no idea. It was just... here." Chemo answered, "We've gotta get started on our game, dude. The others will be here soon." Chemo told Taco, gesturing the man towards the apartment's kitchen. Spread out across the kitchen table was a large map, a tome-like book and a 20-sided die.

"We've got the pieces, we just need the players and we can get started." Chemo said, "I invited that Asian chick over, by the way." Taco said, "Why?" Chemo asked, "Well, she has boobs. You know I like boobs, Robert." Taco responded, "And, she's Asian. When I'm not in the sistas I'm in the Changs. You feel me, son?" Taco raised his hand up for a high five, only receiving a quick glance from Chemo before he walked off.

There came several knocks on the apartment door, Taco rushing towards the door to open it up. "Keilani, hey!" He said with a bright smile, that was until he saw that it wasn't who he was expecting. "It's just Nina, Chemo!" He shouted into the apartment.

"Just Nina?" Asked a young woman as she stepped into the apartment. The woman was of average height with light brown skin and long dark brown hair. She wore a pair of form fitting black slacks, black combat boots, a dress shirt with a tie and a grey Eisenhower jacket.

"I've invited a date over." Taco told Nina, "You invited a woman over to watch you play Dungeons and Dragons with your friends? Half of which are manic, deadpan pranksters who may or may not be extremely autistic?" Nina asked, "Yeah." Taco answered.

"At least you're pretty." Nina said, shaking her head as she walked away. Before Taco could close the door several other people began to arrive, most of them men. Among the group of people piling into the apartment was a decently muscled Caucasian man wearing a black T-shirt and black fatigues, a pistol visible on his right hip.

"Henry." Taco said to the man, "Matthew." The man responded, a thick Scottish accent coating his words. "Call me Taco." Taco told the man, "Call me Tommy." The man retorted. "Fair enough. But, you do know I won't fall for your tricks tonight, right?" Taco asked Tommy, "You say that every time, lad. I think it's best ye' just stop tryin'." Tommy said, heading into the apartment to get ready for the game.

Moments later someone donning full plate armor stepped into the apartment, "Uh... hey?" Taco said, the person removing their helmet to reveal who they were. "It's me, Phinx." Said the woman who had just revealed themselves. She had brown skin and long black hair, it wasn't easy to notice she was of Hispanic descent at first glance.

Her appearance the source of many jokes meant for a race that she didn't belong to. "Why are you...?" Taco began to ask, "In this armor? Tommy told me we were going to act the part." Phinx answered, "And you believed him?" Taco asked, "Let's not bring up the past anymore. Let's go play. I've got weed somewhere in here." Phinx said.

But before Taco could finally close the door an Asian woman stepped through. To say she was beautiful would have been understating the woman's good looks. She had shiny long black hair, a voluptuous hourglass shape, and a perfect white smile.

And Taco was going to boast about her to everyone.

"Hey." The woman said, "Hey, yourself. Let's go. We're about to start." Taco told the woman, taking her hand as he shut the apartment door before leading her into the kitchen.

"Everyone, I'd like you to meet Keilani. She's a model." Taco said to his group of friends, "And these are my friends. Some of which are my opponents." He said, gesturing to the group.

"Everyone make their characters?" Chemo asked, Taco taking a seat at the kitchen table with the others. "Yeah, I think we're all set." Nina said, "Alright, Skinny Will, you want to do us the honor of being our DM for the night?" Chemo asked a man standing nearby, "Sure." The man said, pulling up a chair at the table.

Skinny Will opened up the tome on the table, scanning the words until he found what he was looking for.

"Alright, you all know the rules, let's just introduce our characters and then I will let you know the scenario." Skinny Will told the group, "I'll go first." Chemo said.

"Today I'll be using the wandering Halfling priest of Kelemvor, Roe Lightfoot. A stout young Halfling aspiring to be a Doomguide of Kelemvor. He is fiercely loyal to any friends he makes." Chemo said, introducing his character for the campaign.

"My turn!" Nina said, raising her hand. "You don't have to raise your hand." Skinny Will informed her, "My bad, I'm just excited for my new character and it's been awhile since we've done this." Nina responded, then taking time to clear her throat.

"My character's name is Zora Shadowblade, a very short half-Orc, half-Human mercenary. She hails from places unknown, but her accent indicates that she may have grown up in Neverwinter. She's friendly and spends much of her time when she isn't working in taverns drinking all manner of ale." Nina said, "And she has sizable boobs." She added.

"I'll go now." Phinx said, opening her mouth to speak. Before she got a single word out Keilani spoke up, "This is stupid. We should go somewhere else. Have our own fun." The woman said to Taco, his eyes growing wide out of what might have been fear.

"Keep your voice down and this isn't stupid." Taco told Keilani, "This is stupid. It's really nerdy." Keilani responded, "This bitch gotta go." Phinx said, "Seconded." Tommy said, "It's true. I didn't come here to watch you people pretend to fight dragons. I came here to be with Matt." Keilani retorted matter-of-factly.

"Who's Matt?" Phinx asked, "That's Taco's real name." Chemo answered, "I don't know why I thought his name was Byron." Phinx said, "That was the name I gave you when I tried to have sex with you." Taco explained.

"Oh, yeah. Byron Steele." Phinx said, "Byron Steele? God, dude. At least come up with something good." Nina told Taco.

"On the subject of bitches who've got to leave." Phinx said, "Get on out, bulimia." She said to Keilani, "You told them?" Keilani asked Taco, "No, babe. But, you are kind of..."

"Fat." Phinx said, "I'm not fat!" Keilani shouted, "Now that you mention it... your ass is kind of... huge. Not in a Kardashian way either." Chemo added, "Guys, stop." Taco pleaded.

Keilani stood up, glancing at the table and her new enemies. "Fuck your Elf bullshit." She said, kicking the table and knocking over the game's setup.

"Now I'm going to give you a reason to get a nose job." Phinx said, standing up slowly and careful. Her armor was as replica as it got, so it was much heavier than any real plate armor would be. That said the armored woman lunged for Keilani as she turned for the exit, grabbing the woman's hair.


Keilani turned as much as she could, jamming her fingers into Phinx's eyes and causing the woman to reel back. Phinx stumbled into a chair, toppling over it and slamming down hard on the floor.

"Ouch." Tommy said, Keilani now rushing for the exit.

Phinx lifted herself up as much as she could, removing one of her plate boots. She brought back her arm, and then in a single motion sent the boot flying towards Keilani.

The heavy metal boot slammed into the back of Keilani's head and sent her falling forward. Her face slamming into the apartment door.

"Oh, shit." Nina said, stifling a laugh.

"Are we going to finish the game...?" Tommy asked.

"I kinda wanna finish the game."

Several men and women clad in black jumpsuits and armored vests stood outside of a deli in Wing City, some of them holding bags filled with sandwiches and other food. The soldiers seemed to be waiting, or at least on a break from whatever they were meant to be doing.

They watched the city, basking in their free time while they had it.

Taco and Chemo were among the group of soldiers, both seated at an outdoor table with a few other soldiers. Taco had his attention on his cellphone, clearly texting someone. After a moment the man made a face, it was one of confusion and possibly constipation.

"What?" Chemo asked, "She sent me a but." Taco answered, "She sent you a picture of her butt, let me see." One of the other soldiers said, a black ski mask covering his head. "No, Sandman, a but. It's that one, or more, flaws people have that can be a deal breaker in relationships and stuff." Taco explained.

"Ah, okay, what's your but?" Sandman asked, "Yeah, I'm kind of curious too." Chemo said, "Apparently, my but is my laugh." Taco told the men.

"Eh... really...?" Chemo asked, his tone implying that he wasn't surprised at all. "Rob, why'd you say it like that?" Taco asked.

"Huh?"

"Rob!"

"Your laugh is kind of... annoying." Chemo told Taco, "No, it's not. I have a... normal laugh." Taco said, "You sound like an actor on stage going really overboard with a death scene, dude." Chemo said.

"Yeah, it's like you're moaning, but you have a dry mouth with the occasional stutter to it every now and then." Sandman said, "Well, you guys have buts too." Taco said, slipping his phone away somewhat aggressively.

"What's mine?" Sandman asked, "That fucking balaclava." Taco said, "Yeah, remember when you tried to hit on that chick when we went out last month?" Chemo asked, "You were still wearing it, we were outside, you approached from behind and then..." Chemo paused.

"That's when she saw me and maced me." Sandman said, "Dude, it's pretty fuckin' weird that you never take that thing off. I mean, we're buying sandwiches to eat and you're still wearing it." Taco said, "How are you even going to eat?" Taco asked, "I'll eat later." Sandman answered.

"Enough about him and his mask fetish, what's my but?" Chemo asked his friends, "You lick your lips way too much." Sandman told the man, "You're like a Canadian Puerto Rican LL Cool J." Taco added, "Seriously, what's on your lips that you need to constantly lick them?" Sandman asked.

"I don't think that's one. I've never noticed." Chemo said, almost instantly licking his lips.

"Dude, you just did it." Taco noted, "Shit. I did." Chemo realized, bringing a gloved hand up to his lips. "It's not even like they're chapped or anything." He said.

"We should try to figure out who else has a but. When we head to Windcrest, we can see what are the buts up there." Taco said, "Put Nina's on blast, and that guy she's working for." He continued.

"Franklin." Chemo said, "Yeah, fuck him." Taco said, "UST at work." Sandman said, "What? No." Taco said, "There is no UST. Nina and I are just good friends." He explained.

"But...?" Chemo asked, "There is not but!" Taco exclaimed, "I think your but, is that you like her butt." Sandman said, "Yeah. That makes sense. You're friends, but you like her butt and you want her butt to be yours." Chemo said, "You want to marry her butt. You're like a white Kanye West, she's like your Jewish Serbian Kim Kardashian." Chemo joked.

"I am a voice of a generation." Taco boasted.

"But, you have no musical talent." Chemo said, "But, you don't have a good fashion sense." Sandman added, "But, the paparazzi likes you?" Chemo said, "But, you can't rhyme at all?" Sandman said.

"Okay, guys, I get it..." Taco said, "You guys suck."