Jokes

[The_Sickness]

This bum comes stumbling out of a bar one night and he is so sloshed he can barely hold himself up.
There's a nun standng outside and she walks up to him and says "Can I help you?"
Suddenly the man rares back and just punches the hell out of her.
As she stumbles back she checks her lips for blood with her hand and helplessly she looks at him and says "Sir what have I done to you?"

He doesn't say a word instead he rares back and punches her again, this time knocking her to the ground.
As she's laying there she's holding her hands up and says "Please sir..."
He runs across the lot and punts her like a soccer ball this time and continues to beat her until she's unconscious.
Once he's done he's standing over her and he spits as he says "Not so damn tough now are you batman?'

[Ms. Fyrefli]

A nun, desperately needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would go out. Each time this happened, the place would erupt into cheers.
When the revelers saw the nun however, the room fell into a deadly silence. Ignoring this, she walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom?"
"Sure," replied the bar tender, "but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf".
"That's alright, I'll just look the other way," said the nun. So the bartender showed her to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and, once again, all activity stopped just long enough for the revelers to give the nun a loud round of applause.
Puzzled by this, she walked over to the bar and remarked to the tender" Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just for visiting the restroom?".
"Well, it is because they now know you're one of us," said the bartender. "Can I get you a drink?".
"No thank you," said the puzzled nun, "but I still don't understand".
The bar tender laughed,"Well, every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out." He winked at her knowingly. "Now, are you sure about that drink?".

[The_Sickness]

An old man goes in to see the doctor.
The doctor greets him with "Mr. Jones how are you doing?'
The old man nods and says "I'm doing fine."
The doctor replies "Anything strange going on at home or anything?"
This time the old man answers "Well there is one thing. When I go to the bathroom at night the Lord turns the light on for me."
The doctor rubs his chin and looks confused but accepts his answer all the same.
The next day his wife comes in there and the doctor says "Mrs. Jones how are you doing?'
The old woman nods and says "I'm doing fine."
The doctor replies "Anything strange going on at home or anything?"
And she says plainly "No, nothing at all."
The doctor then stands there a minute and says to her quizzically.
"You know your husband was in here yesterday and he says the Lord has been turning the light on for him when he goes to the bathroom?"
Without skipping a beat the old woman yells into the hallway.
"Maevis call Mabel and tell her Edgar is pissing in the fridge again!"

[Ms. Fyrefli]

Pregnancy & Women - FAQ

Q) Is it advisable to have a baby after thirty-five?
A) No. Experts strongly advise that thirty-five children is enough for any family.

Q) I am just at the end of my first trimester. When will my baby move?
A) Hopefully, right after they finish college.

Q) What is the most reliable method to determine the baby's gender?
A) Childbirth.

Q) My wife/girlfriend is five months pregnant and sometimes so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A) So, what's your question?

Q) My childbirth instructor says that it is not pain I will feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A) Yes, in the same way that one may refer to a tornado as an air current.

Q) When is the best time to get an epidural?
A) Immediately after you discover you are pregnant.

Q) Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A) No reason at all, unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q) Is there anything I should avoid whilst recovering from childbirth?
A) Yes, pregnancy.

Q) Is it necessary to hold a baby shower?
A) Not at all necessary if you change the diaper fast enough.

Q) Our baby was born last week, when will my wife/girlfriend begin to feel and act normal again?
A) Normacly usually occurs around the time your youngest child starts college.

[Kokonoe]

Mrs. Stone is a Sunday school teacher. One day, she told the children to draw someone from the bible. Most of the children drew the apostles, Jesus, Mary, and Joesph. However, when Mrs. Stone walked by Alice, she didn't see anyone from the bible, but a rather large man who somewhat resembled Jesus, but at the same time looked totally different. "Alice," she asked. "Who are you drawing?"

"I'm drawing God" Alice replied, not even looking up.

"But Alice, nobody knows what God looks like" pointed out Mrs. Stone.

Without missing a beat, Alice said "They will when I'm done"
--
[EDIT] (Now with 50% more catholic humor!)

Lucy was looking in an animal kennel when the came across a golden retrever puppy. Lucy noticed a bible in the corner of its cage when they passed by, and stopped. Puzzled, she turned to a worker and asked what the bible was doing in the cage.

"Oh, that. You see, that puppy belonged to Pastor Nick before he passed. His wife was alergic to him, so she couldn't take care of the little dog. That's why he's here now." the worker explained.

"That doesn't explain why the bible is in there..." Lucy responded, looking at the cage.

"Oh, the preacher taught that puppy how to fetch a bible, pray, and howl out various hymms." the worker explained, letting the puppy out so that Lucy could get a better look at it.

"Wow! Let me see if he knows any normal dog tricks..." Lucy started, crouching down so she was closer to the puppy. "Heel!" Lucy commanded. In one swift movment, the puppy jumped up, put it's paw on her forehead, and closed it's eyes. Needless to say, Lucy was confused.

She turned back to the worker again. "Why did the dog do that?" she asked, puzzled.

The worker pulled at his chin. "Well, you did tell 'im to heal"

[Ms. Fyrefli]

LMAO: I love it!


Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere.
Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "Wha'n the heck're ya doin', Billy Bob?"
"Good Lord, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers ou' of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob.
"Tell ta truth, me 'n the Ol' Lady been havin' trouble lately in the bedroom d'partment, and our therapist suggested I try doin' something sexy to a tractor..."

[The_Sickness]

An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Your Loving Husband.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

[Naomi-Tan]

things to remember;

The king is not drunk no matter how much ale I feed him
Even IF the king IS drunk he will notice me trying to steal a ring
While bribing the judge Is effective, when the judge is the victim Its not as effective
When escaping jail while awaiting death, Gunpowder doesn't work on bars.
Plan B is not always Twice as much gunpowder as plan A and may cause the roof to fall in
Crawling though the hole you just made by getting your cell mate to execute plan B is not a successful mission and will not be rewarded

[Ms. Fyrefli]

What I Want In A Man
Original List. Age 22
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates the finer things in life
9. Full of thoughtful surprises

What I Want in a Man
Revised List. Age 32
1. Nice looking
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries

What I Want in a Man
Revised List. Age 42
1. Not too ugly
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Steady job, splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of my jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy chocolate when I'm dieting
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What I Want in a Man
Revised List. Age 52
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Can tow a RV or drive a Motor Home
4. Can BBQ
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Appreciates a good TV dinner
7. Helps with the housework

What I Want in a Man
Revised List. Age 62
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where I have put things
3. Can still tow a van without causing chaos on the road
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Doesn't notice my facial hair and wrinkles
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Stops trying to tell jokes

What I Want in a Man
Revised List. Age 72
1. Breathing.
2. Doesn't miss the toilet.
3. Remembers where we both live.

[minccinoXpikachu]

Two peanuts walk in a bar.
One was A-salted.

[genericroleplayer92]

Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Doctor
Doctor Who?
*One man looks at the other.* I see what you did there!

[minccinoXpikachu]

Knock-knock
Who's there?
Duane
Duane who?
"Duane the bathtub, I'm drowning!"

[The_Sickness]

So this midget walks into a bar one night and he yells.
"Who's the biggest, baddest, meanest (cleaned up slightly) man in the city tonight?"
The bartender says "Big old white guy playing pool go get him."
The midget looks at the bartender and says "Give me tequila"
The bartender pours him a shot, he drinks it down, runs to the pool table beats that guy up. Without so much as a scratch on him.

The next night the midget returns and yells....
"Who's the biggest, baddest, meanest (cleaned up slightly) man in the city tonight?"
The bartender says "Big black guy at the end of the bar."
The midget looks at the bartender and says "Give me tequila"
The bartender pours him a shot, he drinks it down, runs to the end of the bar beats that guy up. Without so much as a scratch on him.

About this time business is getting bad and the bartender gets a guerilla from the zoo and puts him in the bathroom.
The next night the midget returns and yells....
"Who's the biggest, baddest, meanest (cleaned up slightly) man in the city tonight?"
The bartender says "Big black guy in the bathroom."
The midget looks at the bartender and says "Give me tequila"
he bartender pours him a shot, he drinks it down, runs to the bathroom and for the next thirty minutes there's all kinds of bloodcurdling screams coming out of the bathroom.
The next thing you know the midget emerges and says
"When he wakes up, you tell him his fur coat is in the trash."

[jltty]

I looked in to the distance and a red ball was getting larger and larger I wondered how then it his me.

[JadeOwl]

What's green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.

[cucumbersome]

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
You know.
You know who?
Yes! AVADA KEDAVRA!

[Macabre Legion]

Three guys walk into a bar.
The fourth guy ducks.