Well, Iām pissed off that I canāt beat Crasher Wake. So Iām going to take it out on this poem I found. Who else is sick of Jeff the Killer? I am! So, Iām going to do another Creepypasta riffing on this stupid as hell Jeff the Killer Christmas poem. Just pretend itās Christmas instead of your birthday. XD With me are the girlfriends of TTK and the girlfriends of Sonata. Enjoy your other birthday gift!
Well, hello there,
Readers young and old, (ā(Teruki) Already I want to tell the author to go fuck themselves.ā ā(Miyane) Honey, donāt kid yourself. No one past middle school is going to take this or Jeff the Killer seriously.ā)
You're in for quite a treat,
A true tale to behold. (ā(Guardian) Spoiler alert: it involves lots of gore, going to sleep and making a serial killer seem cool and edgy.ā)
As you can see,
With a title such as this,
I will tell you the tale,
Of how Jeff killed Christmas. (ā(Honami) Piss off.ā ā(Miyane) Wow, Honamiā¦ You arenāt usually this angry.ā ā(Honami) Christmas is one of my favorite holidays and now Jeff the Killer has to invade it.ā ā(Miyane) Oh dearā¦ Honami, you do know Jeff the killer isnāt real, right?ā ā(Honami) Heās notā¦?ā ā(Miyane) No, heās not.ā ā(Honami) Ohā¦ Well, heās still a bad person.ā ā(Miyane) He sure is, Honamiā¦ā)
It all started late,
On a silent Christmas Eve,
And our favorite killer, Jeff,
Had something up his sleeve. (ā(Inaho) About fifteen different cuts on each arm.ā ā(Teruki) *harshly glares at Inaho*ā ā(Inaho) What? Itās obvious that this teenager wants Jeff to be edgy.ā ā(Teruki) Youāre just goddamn lucky Iām not suicidal anymore.ā)
Seeing that it was Christmas,
Jeff wanted to do something new,
Something extra special,
But, what was he to do? (ā(Tsugi) Watch the Peanuts Christmas special? Itās a really good special.ā ā(Asuka) Noā¦ Heās not doing thatā¦ā)
Just then, he heard something,
His feet made him pause,
He slowly turned to see,
A fake, drunken Santa Clause. (ā(Honami) *teary eyes* Santaās not realā¦?ā ā(Asuka) Heās real! This guy is just dressed up as Santa!ā ā(Honami) *sniffles* Miyane-chanā¦?ā ā(Miyane) E-Er, Asukaās right. Santaās realā¦ā ā(Honami) *sighs in relief* Thank goodnessā¦ā)
The wheels started turning,
Jeff had a plan,
He clutched the knife in his pocket,
And that's when it began. (ā(Guardian)
http://img.picturequotes.com/2/52/51839 ... uote-1.jpg This is my face at the moment.ā)
Old Saint Nick saw Jeff,
Heading strait his way, (ā(Tsugi) Thatās not how that word is spelt!ā ā(Inaho) Trust me, thatāll be the least of this storyās problems.ā)
Maybe he could get a dollar,
From Mr. Jeff today. (ā(Guardian) Oh my god, this drunken fuck sees a kid with pale skin, stringy black hair and a smile carved into his cheeks and he thinks āMaybe I can rip this fuckhead off and get some more booze.ā He either has the biggest death wish of all time or he is really damn drunk.ā
"Hey, buddy, wanna help me out?
Now, don't go bein' cheap." (ā(Tsugi) But the previous stanza said he only wanted a dollarā¦ā)
Jeff lunged at the man saying,
"Go to sleep." (ā(Asuka) Trademark.ā ā(Miyane) Well, thatās once that the catchphrase has been used. Letās see how many more times.ā)
He slit Santas throat, (ā(Tsugi) You need an apostrophe on Santaās.ā)
While he squirmed and thrashed,
But there was no escaping,
Being cut and being slashed. (ā(Inaho) Kick him in the balls and run. Use your red coat to stop the bleeding and run. Overpower this 14 year old kid since youāre a grown man. Come on, Iāve been mugged multiple times and nearly killed many times. You have no excuse.ā ā(Tsugi) Maybe the man was too drunk to think of all of that?ā ā(Inaho) Even then, he could just faint on Jeff and crush his neck.ā)
The drunk fell to the ground,
With a noticeable thud
His pupils started to widen,
As he choked on his blood. (ā(Teruki) See? Heās dead already so nothing could be done.ā ā(Inaho) *heavy sigh*ā)
Jeff grabbed Santas suite,
Soaked with crimson water,
That's when he knew,
He could start his Christmas slaughter. (ā(Guardian) Hang on, when is this? Jeff is a madman; he shouldnāt care what Christmas is anymore if all he knows is how to kill in his backstory. Is this like his first time doing this kind of thing? How old is he? If heās older, why wouldnāt he kill people on Christmas? To avoid suspicion? Yeah, thatās a crock of shit and everyone knows it. This story makes no sense.ā)
When he achieved his looked,
He was on his way,
But not before he hijacked Santas car,
Or, I mean, his sleigh. (ā(Tsugi) *very sarcastic laughter* Itās like theyāre scraping at the bottom of the barrel.ā)
He drove threw a small neighborhood,
Rather quiet and kind,
The perfect setting for what,
Jeff was planning in his mind. (ā(Tsugi) Guys, Iām a little bit nervous. What do you think Jeffās going to do?ā ā(Guardian) Oh, fair warning in advance, if it gets too gory, Iāll edit it into my own form of this poem. Iāll provide a link to the original after this ripping is finished.ā)
His plan was to sneak into each home,
All of the parents he'd kill,
Murdering almost the whole neighborhood,
To get his holiday thrill. (ā(Inaho) If Jeff is so insane that all he can think about is how to kill people, why care about the holidays at all?ā)
Jeff chuckled maniacally,
Stopping at the first house on the block,
At how upset this town would be,
Boy, would they be in for a shock. (ā(Teruki) Oh now youāre just using poor English. Stop fantasizing over a serial killer during your English lessons and maybe youād stop getting Fās.ā)
He could just imagine it,
All of the children on Christmas day,
To see that mommy and daddy,
Were some twisted psychos prey. (ā(Miyane) Why would he spare the children? Is it to create more Mary Sues and Gary Stus who try and become insane to get revenge on him? Is this just a cluttered and muddied up backstory to a Mary Sue Jeff the Killer reject?ā ā(Guardian) Personally, Iām glad heās at least sparing the children but this also causes confusion. I think he would kill everyone, child or no. Itās sick but itād be consistent at least.ā)
He got out of the car,
And trudged through the snow,
Then he scaled the side of the house,
Up to somebodys window. (ā(Tsugi) This author keeps forgetting apostrophes and itās really frustrating. She knows they exist but she doesnāt seem to know where they go. Ughā¦ā)
Through the window, he saw the parents,
Dreaming their Christmas dreams,
"It's a little too quiet in there,
Let's see if I can't get 'em to scream." (ā(Guardian) Alright, here we go guys~ā)
He snuck through the window,
And crouched by the bed,
He withdrew his knife,
And balanced it on daddys head. (ā(Teruki) Oh wait, itās okay. Heās just doing a balancing act using different knives.ā)
He poked at daddy dearest,
Who awoke to the face of evil,
The man let out a gasp of fear,
"Yeah. I have that effect on people." (ā(Guardian) Author, do the world a favor and stop. You arenāt funny at all.ā)
Jeff slammed the knife through his skull,
The mother screamed and tried to run,
But Jeff caught up and gutted her,
He seemed to be having a lot of fun. (ā(Teruki) Yeah, no shit. Itās almost like heās a psychotic serial killer or something.ā)
When he was done with the mother,
He wrote his slogan on the wall,
But then he heard little footsteps,
Making there way down the hall. (ā(Tsugi) No, thatās not the proper use of their! The version youāre using is pointing out where something is.ā ā(Inaho) Tsugi, shut up.ā ā(Tsugi) No! It annoys me!ā)
He shot out of the room,
Then he slammed the door,
He couldn't let the child see,
His masterpiece of gore. (ā(Guardian) Oh my god, Iām laughing so hardā¦ Yep, Jeff apparently cares about preserving the innocence of children. Oh my fucking godā¦ā)
In the hallway he met,
A young little girl,
With eyes a bright blue,
And hair of blonde curl. (ā(Miyane) Oh god, she already has two Mary Sue traits! Quick, contain her and try to get her to behave like a normal person!ā)
The girl looked at Jeff,
All dressed in Santas gear,
Her eyes lit up with excitement,
And her voice filled with cheer. (ā(Teruki) How does she not see the blood or the fact that āSantaā doesnāt have a big white beard?ā ā(Inaho) This author wants us to believe that children are morons which is completely false.ā)
"Santa! I can't believe it's you!"
This was the best moment of her life,
Then she looked to his side, and asked,
"What are you doing with that knife?" (ā(Honami) Is thisā¦ Are they ripping off the Grinch? They are, arenāt they?!ā)
"It's, uh, for cutting the turkey.
I'm making sure it's fresh for tomorrow."
She glared at the knife again and said,
"I've got a better one for you to borrow." (ā(Asuka) *whimper*ā ā(Miyane) Godā¦ This kid knows what knives are and how to get themā¦ What kind of shitty parents does she have?ā)
She led him to the kitchen,
And opened up the drawer,
His eyes were fixated on a knife,
That he just couldn't ignore. (ā(Miyane) Itās the Mary Sue version of a knife.ā)
The monstrous knife with a serrated edge,
Put his bloody weapon to shame,
He pulled it from the drawer thinking,
'This will be better for my reindeer game.' (ā(Miyane) Iām not that far off.ā ā(Tsugi) Please stop with the horribly bad Christmas related stuff.ā)
"Will this work for you Santa?
Did I help you out?"
Jeff patted the girls head with praise,
And said "Without a doubt." (ā(Honami) And then she became Creepypasta Mary Sue number 259 when she found out what she actually did.ā)
He sent the girl back to bed,
And made his way out of the door,
He hopped in his car and continued,
With his night of unspeakable horror. (ā(Miyane) Yet you have the courage to write about it, author. How suspiciousā¦ā)
From home to home he went,
Having a ball with his slaughter,
Leaving behind a special present,
For every son and every daughter. (ā(Guardian) Remember the gory stuff? Yeah, itās starting. Let me just write something downā¦ā)
The man with the pale face
And a smile that was insane
Carried on with the night
Doing things that werenāt humane
As Guardian Aelita continued
To read this awful trite
She hoped her friend appreciated
Her anger and strife.
By the time he had finished,
He could see the early light of day,
He ditched the costume, got in the car,
And ended his night of horrid play. (ā(Miyane) Yes, that was a horrible play of the Night Before Christmas. I want my money back.ā)
His first annual Christmas killing,
Was very brutal, I must confess,
But we all know, that in his eyes,
He saw it as his greatest success. (ā(Guardian) Narcissist.ā ā(Honami) Arenāt all killers narcissists by nature?ā ā(Inaho, Teruki and Tsugi) *glare at Honami*ā)
That small town won't be the same,
They will forever live in fear,
Because in the back of their minds, they know,
That he'll do the same thing every year. (ā(Asuka) How bored is Jeff?ā ā(Miyane) Apparently bored enough to target the same exact town each and every year. It must be boring to kill people all the time WHEN YOUāRE A GODDAMN PSYCHO.ā)
So, for those of you who live,
In a town of small population,
Be warned and prepare,
For a night of gore and devastation. (ā(Guardian) Or just be prepared to shoot whoever comes near your house that looks like a bloody Santa Claus. Or laugh at how stupid this story is and then get drunk on eggnog.ā)
Sleep with a gun, lock everything up,
And don't forget this little thriller,
If you don't want to be the next victim,
Of the infamous, Jeff the killer. (ā(Honami) *giggles* Infamous is rightā¦ Have you seen his original story? It is badā¦ā)
And that was a thing I did. Hope you appreciated this on the fly extra birthday gift~ Hereās a link to the original if youāre so curious to read it:
http://afroh13.deviantart.com/art/Creep ... -340775554