Lore of the Land

[The Afterman]

As you may or may not be aware of, there is plenty of lore to be had in the land of Aldaria (you didn't think the writer of this little story was that lazy, did you?) So, to proceed, a brief explanation of the races of Aldaria:

Humans
Humans are a very interesting breed. Very versatile, but not especially gifted in one single craft (compared to the other races, at least). Their demeanor varies based upon each individual. Some are loyal, others greedy. You never know what to expect from a human, except for a relatively short lifespan.

Elves
Ah, elves. The aristocrats of the gene pool. Pompous, self-important, and so much better than you at a wide variety of things (especially baking). Elves are a graceful lot, gifted with magic. They have incredibly long life spans, able to live for hundreds of years. Often the source of ridicule by other races, however, elves are rather reclusive, for fear of having their feelings hurt. Oh, they also like to write poetry. The really sad, depressing kind.

Dark Elves
Dark Elves. What can be said about the distant cousins of their kinfolk? Oh, let's see, they're conniving, thieving cheaters who would cut your throat for half a sandwich. And I don't mean one of those fancy baked pretzel-bread, five-meat-and-cheese, seasoned to perfection sandwiches either. No, any old sandwich will do. Dark elves are stealthy, and gifted with magic to boot. Watch your back around them, because you know they are.

Dwarves
Dwarves are a very ingenious race. They are responsible for blueprinting many of the machines used to torture the poor unfortunate souls who get caught committing crimes today. Intelligent and crafty, these pint-sized little men and women are not to be taken lightly; mostly because they're usually heavyset anyway. Currently, they're working to construct a device called a "firearm". Imagine it: a bit of wood that shoots out little metal balls. Stupid, right?

Goblins
Green, repugnant, and not all that bright. They're like orcs but much, much smaller and weaker and not as adept at combat. At least an orc can single-handedly kill a boar without suffering a traumatic blow to the head.....from a bull. Seriously, a goblin's bad luck has got to be the work of the gods, because these little bastards are just unbelievably unfortunate. They like stabbing things, even if they aren't very good at stabbing in the right places. Goblins make up a large portion of the Dark Lord's forces, much to his chagrin.

Red Goblins
Red Goblins are distant, and I mean distant cousins of their green counterparts. Preferring to live in volcanic mountainous regions, a large majority of the red goblins have since been relocated to the Noppun Mountains after their homeland was leveled to make way for an amusement park. Suffering the biting cold, many of them have fallen in with the dark elf barbarians, seeking gain through plunder and murder. Those who don't die of hypothermia, anyway.

Orcs
These large and brutish figures are quite possibly some of the dumbest things you will ever meet. It is said that orcs were the ones to discover music by bashing two rocks together. However, historians with finer taste and an aversion to ridiculous lies say otherwise. Orcs are good at pretty much two things: killing, and.....well, yeah that's it. An orc is always a trusty battle companion, until he forgets whose side he's on and takes your head off in a blaze of dumbfounded fury.

Imps
Imps are quite annoying little creatures, as they are hard to hit and talk with the most infuriatingly ridiculous accents. Flapping about on bat-like wings, imps are great as messengers and for making things generally more irritating. They serve the Dark Lord's purposes quite well. Or rather, as well as his army's competence will allow.

The Undead
Wait a minute. Why are they classified as their own race? They're just the zombified remains of a dead creature risen from the grave. This is the biggest load of $#!@ I have ever seen in my entire life! Ugh, anyway, the undead are zombies. Not much more to say than that. Sometimes they have rotting flesh clinging to their bones like bratty children, or sometimes they are just reanimated skeletons. Either way, they are frightening, and frankly make me want to hurl up my lunch. They make up the majority of the Dark Lord's fighting force. In hindsight, that probably wasn't such a great idea, considering how easy they burn.

Vampires
Vampires are anything afflicted with the disease of vampirism. They hunt during the night, seeking the blood of living mortals. They are quick and agile, and much stronger then they appear, able to manipulate dark magics as well. Rumors are circulating that vampires are able to willingly transform into bats. Count Von Doodengoogle would like to make it clear that such a notion is utter bull$#!@. That $#!@ doesn't happen at will, it's random, and usually at the most inopportune moments. Get it right, society.

Werewolves
Werewolves. Gods. They smell awful, more so when they go splashing around in the water, which is all the time. Werewolfism is a disease like vampirism, just with more inconvenient side effects like shedding and flea infestations. Werewolves are powerful, fast killers that devour their prey, usually leaving scraps of it as a gift for their master, the filthy mongrels.

Demons
This should be self explanatory. Demons are minions of the Nine Hells, who exist to make your stay in the worst place in the afterlife that much more miserable. Grotesque in appearance, usually with leathery skin and horns. Demons have the ability to possess a mortal's body, and will only abandon the body either at will, or through a very lengthy and boring exorcism. And nobody wants that.

[The Afterman]

Deities

Sometimes, people find their faith in the most bizarre things. In this case, it's all the absurdly-named gods and goddesses that reign over Aldaria. Take a gander at your otherworldly overlords and, if one or more of them strike your fancy, bow your head in penance. Then proceed to donate money to your nearest temple. We really need it to eat.


The Gods

Chlamydius, god of Pestilence - The god of Pestilence. Responsible for the sicknesses that plague the mortal plane. Also probably the cause of that rash you have there. You might wanna get that checked out.

Muricus, god of Conditional Freedom - Muricus is a benevolent deity, and the proprietor of mortal freedom. That freedom, however, comes at a price. One that involves you having no privacy whatsoever and every letter you send to that anonymous sex service will be acquired and examined for evidence of terroristic plotting.

Vasectimus, god of Infertility - Don't want children? Sorry that you had any in the first place? Vasectimus is the god for you! For the small price of a few prayers a day and all your worldly possessions, Vasectimus can ensure that you won't be the parent of any more of those gold-draining crap factories! Unless, of course, you feel like adopting one.....

Viagria, goddess of Rigor - If you know what I'm sayin'.

Morphinius, god of Senselessness - Ever come across someone who seemed rather, well, dead on the inside? They were probably a follower of this particular deity. Or maybe they are just hooked on some bad drugs. You should get them some professional help right away.

Methamphetamus, god of Swiftness - The god of Swiftness, celebrated amongst track racers and cowards who can't fight their own fights. His followers tend to lose their teeth and become afflicted with sores, as well as becoming affected by paranoia.

Menstreas, goddess of Inconsistent Anger - You really don't want to get on her bad side. So, point her in the direction of your enemies instead. Tell her they said she is unreasonable and fat. That ought to ensure they don't cause you any trouble anymore. Just expect a lot of crying afterwards. Hell hath no fury like abdominal cramps.

Parkinsus, god of Earthquakes - Remember the fall of the great city of Planehang'r? Yeah, that was all because of the wrath of Parkinsus. Although, he may have been aiming for the next town over....

Trojinia, goddess of Protection - This is just getting tasteless now, ain't it?

Tentaclia, goddess of Intrusion - You shall have no sanity. You will not sleep. You will never love again. And it's all thanks to her. Enjoy therapy.

Erwenus, god of Misfortune - Patron god of the goblins and those with bad luck in sea water. Mind your footing!

Batus, god of Secrets - No one must know what happens behind closed doors. When the shower is on and the mirror is steamed up. And when there is a sudden shortage of hand lotion....

Astleia, goddess of Trickery - "Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down. Never gonna run around and desert you. Never gonna make you cry, never gonna say goodbye. Never gonna tell a lie, and hurt you." - Old prayer of the followers of Astleia.

Transicus, god of Indecision - Confused? You will be if you follow this deity's teachings. You won't know whether you should man up and stand up to your wife, or woman up and put on that pretty dress you've been saving for those special occasions. Might wanna shave your legs if the latter is your preference, though.