He'd wanted to look at it...he really did, but it was either go now or wind up breaking down in front of his gang and that wasn't something he wanted to do. Though they were more akin to his brothers and sisters than subordinates, he still didn't want them to know that the man they were looking up to was dying regardless. Even if a cure was found for the virus...Ezra wouldn't be around forever. It was only a matter of time before those degenerating lungs of his failed him and he died a slow and likely painful death by suffocation. He had lasted for as long as he could and just recapping the plan for Johnny had almost been too much, unable to even make it into the fellowship hall to sit down on one of the tables, though the chairs had long ago been taken to furnish different buildings and rooms.
Coughing as he was, he never heard the door open behind him, if it even did. For all he knew, he could have left it open partially in his haste, his body leaning more and more heavily on the wall with each stronger and harder cough. Only footsteps in the hall with him let him know that someone had followed him, his eyes starting to water just a bit, as well. Though he was silently cursing himself, Johnny's voice, so soft on his ears, drew him out of the thoughts that had invaded his mind...of what the others would think of him if they found out. Would they be angry that he hadn't confided in them? Would they hate him for it? Would they think him weak despite the hard work he'd tried to always put in? It all slipped away from him as he pulls himself closer to the other male at the arm around his shoulders, using his warm, strong body to hold himself up instead of the cold, unwelcoming wall.
By the time Johnny had gotten to him, Ezra's hand wasn't merely spotted with blood...it was leaking between his fingers and off the side of his palm. It wasn't terrible, but it was still a scary prospect, especially considering the small black lumps, no larger than a tiny chip crumb, floating in the crimson nectar of life. His progress had been slowed by the medication he'd been taking, but in the time since he'd run out, his descent had turned towards a steep slide, headed for freefall if he didn't take care of himself. The small black lumps, he knew, were tiny pieces of his lungs. Very tiny pieces, but if one added up how much had come from him over the years, it was adding up to a significant amount.
I'm their leader...I have to be strong.
Not all the time, Ezra. Even the strongest of men have their weaknesses.
But...they need me to be strong, to have someone to believe in.
Weaknesses make us human. They prove we aren't all powerful and that we are of the people.
Thoughts flit through his mind like moths before a light, his eyes closed as his shoulders continue to heave, his ribs convulsing against the helping hand holding him up. He staggered just slightly with each step despite the other helping him, for it was hard to hack and walk at the same time, the small coughs becoming steadily worse. When the two stopped, his head raises just slightly to look around, the hall still stretching out before him, making him curious as to what they were still doing in the same place. He'd hoped to at least be able to sit on a table to keep himself from falling, though Johnny's arms, he had to admit, felt good...a warmth he hadn't felt in quite some time. It made him afraid, though. He was afraid to get attached to someone because he knew...he knew that he wouldn't last forever and he didn't want someone to get attached to him. He didn't want anyone to be sad when he died. If anyone could read inside his head, they would see that he is a rather morbid, pessimistic little man when it came to his own health, yet he was ever the optimist on the outside.
"Oh..."
The single word, which formed a small bubble of blood at the corner of his mouth that popped soon after growing, was all he could manage as the other man stepped in front of him, pulling him into a hug. His eyes close, the groan that would have come, one that would have shown that he liked it, never to come with the sheer amount and the growing force of coughs. The arm not holding a hand to his face moves in front of his body, his fingers curling slowly into the material of the other man's shirt, his thin body shaking quite hard. He really should eat more, yet he always looked out for the others, ensuring they had enough to eat before worrying himself when he cooked for the rest or even when he didn't. At the gentle urging of a hand on his head, he leans forward quite willingly...despite his pride, he knew when he needed help and it was better to take what was offered than to refuse and look the fool when one's body collapsed.
A few minutes pass, the coughs steadily gaining in intensity, becoming enough to make his chest ache after it was all said and done, before they began to subside, his fingers still curled into the shirt he held. He kept himself close to the other, even as the coughs become small once more, the floor near them covered in drops of his own blood, his hand covered from palm to fingertip. His breathing slowly returns itself to normal, as normal as it gets, anyway, his stance becoming steadier. After a moment of standing still, leaning on the other, he closes his eyes and...he surprised himself as he gave the smallest of nuzzles to his shoulder, his hand relaxing so that it did not grip his shirt quite so tightly. His opened hand did, however, stay upon his chest between them, turning his head just slightly to wipe his lips upon the side of his dirtied hand before speaking in a quiet, slightly raspy voice.
"Thank you..."
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