Possibly in need of a mentor

I think that i need a mentor but I’m not quite sure. I would describe my writing skills as average at best. I would however like someone else’s opinion on this and I would also like to improve. Below i will put a series of posts i have made since I joined the gateway not to long ago. These posts will be in order oldest to newest. I would also like to know if i am improving.

Mismer's eyes opened at light speed. As his stomach rummbled and his head pounded he noticed he may had drank to much. He looked over to the floor by the door into the main room. Mismer had puked all over the place and it stunk.

Walking towards the door he steped over it and went into his bathroom to get some water. Tripping as he got into the bathroom he proped himself up against the wall and filled up a wooden goblet. Drinking it down in one gulp he shock his thumping head. He grabbed a spade from the front room and used it to carefully scoop up the sick and throw it in the bin.

He toke the bin and placed it outside. Looking up to the sky he thought to him self. "Such a lovely night, shame. I went and wasted it drinking myself to oblivion." The streets were almost empty at this time. The moon was high in the sky and the time must be aproaching midnight. Mismer couldn't stand to stay out to long beacause of the smell he had brought out there. As he turned to go inside he toke one last breath of fresh air.

Mark sat by himself thinking about the man he had spoke too. He had almost finished his meal by now. He had his last few bites of apple and stood up out of his chair. He scanned the room a saw a few people still entering the canteen. Sitting across the room ther was some people eating and chatting quietly.

He made his way towards the door only stopping to place his tray on a desk with the others waiting to be cleaned. The air outside was fresh and the skys where calm. There isn't a problem with polution on the island as they produced very little gases. Most of the power produced by the island was used to work the equipment in the labs.

Yukizo sat on a bench near the gate into Duel Academy. As he sat down he swung his bag off his back and perched it on the floor in front of him. He rummaged through the bag moving aside numerous rulebooks and strategy guides. At the bottom he found what he was looking for as he pulled out a sort of file.

He opened it with a grin on his face as he glanced down at the cards inside: Cyber End Dragon, Elemental Hero Rampart Blaster and some Junk Synchrons to name a few. He picked out a Junk Synchron and added it his deck in his belt. He then slammed the file closed as to hide the contents from the other students that were arriving. Smoothly slipping it into his bagged and zipping it up, as he looked other the path.

A girl ran inside the academy shouting back to a boy standing there in the middle of the gates. He then moved other to a bench opposite Yukizo. Yukizo looked at his arm and it had a duel disk already on. Instantly he knew that he should challenge him to a duel.

Yukizo stood up taking 4 steps towards the other bench and pointed at him.
"You! How would you like to test out your skills on me? You look like you couldn't duel your way out of a paper bag."
He said this with a strong tone of voice. It shouldn’t offend him but should set him up to try hard in the duel.

"Oh, well what are we going to do?" Lucy spoke back with a hint of sadness in her voice. "I feel way better now. Wait," Lucy fail to notice the absence of the voices. "They have gone!" Lucy let out a big cheer of hope

"Right I’m going to have to take you to Mr. Hanagen to get you checked." Lucy had shaken her head in disapproval. "It is just to make sure you are ok. Would you like your boyfriend to come too?" Lucy reacted straight away. "He's not my boyfriend! I mean I have nothing against it but he isn't." Lucy was shocked at the nurse’s assumption. "Well is he coming?" She replied with a bit of embarrassment. "Yeah, I suppose. If you want to." She turned to Anthony.

Lucy begun to drink her water as the nurse rubbed her back to comfit her. Lucy was a lot better now since the voices had gone. Her dreams from the past few years had come true and there was no moans and yells in her head.

Shiek laid on the sofa as he gazed at the pictures on his wall. Pictures of Namek and Vegeta land with vast landscapes with views epic proportions. He remembered buying these pictures and wondering what these planets would be like. The room was quiet until a howl pierced the air. Shiek jumped to his feet a shock, as soon as he heard the noise.

As he ran through the door and onto the street, he threw his jacket onto the table. His head darted to his right as he saw a woman being harassed. He ran towards the gang of men as he yelled. "Leave her alone!"

As he ran into the crowd of people he tripped over a foot. Seemingly instantly he began to take several kicks to the head. In his pain Shiek began to flail his arms around pulling the legs of some of the group.

Lewis lied on top of her as she lay on the floor. He began kissing her on the neck and stroking her thigh. From the over side of the trees came a loud yell. "Oy, what you doing here." The moment of passion was broken by the noise. Lewis quickly jumped to his feet and pulled Victoria off the floor. "Come on." he whispered in her ear before grabbing her hand and turning around towards the narrow path to the town centre.

-shirt and tie me thinks. Or maybe more casual?- Yukizo set off on his way back to his apartment. As he walked through the cold and dark alleys he continued to ponder on his outfit. -Hoodie maybe? Or i could were my trench coat.- Yukizo was a very indecisive man. "What is up with these lights." He wondered about the state of the street lamps that usually lit his way home. They flickered barely lighting the pathway before they all burnt out at once. A loud crack came from behind him as a spark fell to the ground.

He continued down the lane hurrying himself home. He ran up the metal stairs on the outside of the building and into the apartment. Closing the door behind him he hit the lights and left the curtains closed. He ran about throwing off his clothes and spraying around deodorant. He eventually decided on a shirt and jeans combo. He looked in the mirror as he slid on his trainers, he nodded to himself and left the apartment. -Looking good!-

Most of these quotes are not during conversation because I feel during conversations you cannot use your writing skills to the full. I tend to stick to one on one role-plays because I think that they seem to last longer and the posts tend to come in quicker. If you read all those posts then thanks, there may have been to many but I didn’t want to put to few. Any Advice and constructive criticism is appreciated.
|Thanks, Lewdug97|

[BUMP!]

lewdug97, a mentor should contact you shortly and discuss your particular needs. Thank your for your patience.

Skallagrim

I'm not a mentor now, but you're going to have to trust me when I say that I was one in a past life.

The first thing that jumps out at me is that you use the wrong word and other minor misspellings: "shock" instead of "shook", "toke" instead of "took", "pollution" with only one L. A trick I learned in English class is to read over your writing BACKWARDS, as it forces your mind to stop seeing what you meant to write and instead see what you really wrote.

The other thing I suggest is that in scenes where your character is not actively responding to outside stimuli, try lengthening your posts by giving him something to respond to. In the Duel Academy posts, for example, perhaps a quick phone call from one of Yukizo's parents serves as a minor interruption/annoyance that he has to deal with before he accepts the challenge. Little glimpses like this into the life of a character beyond the immediate situation are great tools for character development.

Thanks for your opinion. I don't really care mentor or not I just thought mentors were more likely to see it and that they were the ones who deal with this. I have done the last suggestion you said before. I used a note that was found in my characters pocket while he was walking. The note was from a past girlfriend and I thought it would be relevant as the RP was going to have a relationship involved.

I like the trick about reading backwards too. I never thought about it that way and I thought that those were the right spellings. I am still a student and my English grade is, I think, low to average so I am not the best writer.

Also, do you think I am improving or not. The posts are in chronological order so I am interested to know if I am getting any better.

Thanks,
Lewdug97

I'm sorry nobody has gotten to your post until now, lewdug. I'll be happy to see what sort of feedback I can give here, on top of what QB has already given.

Well, I certainly think you've been improving. I'm going to quote pieces from your most recent sample and offer my thoughts on how it could be improved.

As he walked through the cold and dark alleys he continued to ponder on his outfit.

Right here your sentence could benefit from you explaining what exactly he was pondering regarding his outfit. For instance:

"As he walked through the cold and dark alleys he continued to ponder what sort of outfit he should wear for the occasion."

It's simply a bit clearer to the reader, is all.

-Hoodie maybe? Or i could were my trench coat.-

A little trick you can use here. If an "i" is all alone like that, it should always be capitalized. That is to say it should be "Or I". This also applies to conjunctions though, such as i'm should be I'm because it stands for "I am" and the "i" is alone in the original.

"What is up with these lights." He wondered about the state of the street lamps that usually lit his way home.

Sometimes it is appropriate to end a rhetorical question with a period to emphasize a hidden statement. However in this case it seems like your character is genuinely wanting an answer, meaning the sentence should end with question mark.

They flickered barely lighting the pathway before they all burnt out at once. A loud crack came from behind him as a spark fell to the ground.

In this case you've said a whole lot in very little words. Your post could benefit just by beefing up this part a bit by describing the situation a bit more.

He continued down the lane hurrying himself home. He ran up the metal stairs on the outside of the building and into the apartment. Closing the door behind him he hit the lights and left the curtains closed. He ran about throwing off his clothes and spraying around deodorant.

This scene once again feels a bit like the reader is being rushed through things a bit, and could use a slight bit of beefing up to help it feel more natural.


Overall your posts are far from terrible, considering English isn't your first language. I wish you great success in improving even further and hope that I was helpful in that regard. ^_^;